My Friends & I

By: Kristina Hollon

Copyrighted and Published, 2011

I have always been big. I have always had weight and it has attached itself to me with a bond that I have never able to break. A bond that has been permanently super glued, nailed, taped, and concreted into my skin.  Not that this is entirely bad, I mean, at least I have cushion when I fall, right? …Right? Ok, so that isn’t really all that convincing is it?

The fact is that I am not much of a self motivator of myself. I get put down once and then I give up. It is the end of the world kind of thing. I used to dance when I was younger, I used to love it. I once got so excited when there was a tryout to become a DJ Dancer. I got my groove on and went out onto the floor. Bopping and shaking to the music using the dance routine I had just learned. However, I was not picked! At the time I was very devastated. Now, looking back, I can see that I was not the only one bopping and shaking to the movements; my attached “friends” (called fat) decided to join me. I guess only one of us could become a DJ Dancer, and since “we” were a team at the time the judges said no.

I tired many different activities as I grew, activities like softball, soccer, rollerblading, where I would normally usually find myself on the floor dusting off, trying to pull myself and my attached friends off the ground. Bowling was the only activity that I successfully kept us standing up right. However, that became too expensive. Did you know they don’t give discounts on groups of fats? Oh well. I started to get used to these new friends of mine and we bonded especially when it came to that extra chocolate doughnut. We were the best of friends; we hung out together all the time. That is, until one day I was out and about when a cop came over to where I was and told me that I needed to tuck my “friends” into a looser pair of pants. It was nice to see that he cared enough to warn me about them getting to cold by hanging out and about. My “friends” didn’t judge me and I didn’t judge them.

My fats and I even worked out together! Yes I know most people didn’t believe me when I told them we exercised all the time. It takes a lot of effort to move your arm and hand back and forth from the table to your mouth over and over again until you reach thousand times (or until the bag of Fritos is gone).  Plus, how many people are able to tell you that they can carry a fifty pound weight with them all the time? Well I could. In fact, in a few years I was carrying a hundred and fifty pounds of weight all the time! I was working out more than most of those professional weight trainers.

However, there came a time when my new “friends” needed to be shed so they could be free. Yet, no matter what I did, they stayed put. I tried coaxing them with various techniques. I placed a chocolate chip cookie on the table saying to them that they could have it if they detached from me. Without warning my fat talked my stomach into making gurgling sounds and as if it understood what the fat was saying, my hand grabbed the cookie and placed it into my opened mouth, which had been watering at the sight of the cookie. Darn, so my fat was a good talker. I tried to walk them off, but they clung tighter saying the world scared them. In fact they anchored more weight on me and made it to where I could hardly walk out of my bedroom. I will drown them off was my next thought as I headed to the gym. I threw on my bathing suit lifted the anchor and tossed it into the pool. Down went me and my attached friends…down…down…bubbles…bubbles…POP. I was now floating on the water. I guess they turn into a life vest in water. I tried to get them to want a new owner, but they all said they were fond of me! A little too fond, if you ask me.” I then decided for their own good I was going to change my foods to healthier foods, which would have worked, if my mouth would have cooperated, but it didn’t. My mouth did not care for the taste. Even my nose lifted itself up in the air and my stomach decided to throw it all back up at me. 

It seemed as if I was stuck but then a surprise happened. After a while a pound of fat decided it wanted to leave. So I gladly smiled and waved goodbye. Then another two pounds decided to leave, I was so happy, I cried.  I told them to have a great time, live their life well, and that I would never forget the fun times we shared. I was grateful. I knew I did a job well done, but as luck had it all three pounds (and any others that left) always return from what turned out to be short vacations. To top it off, the fats would tell their new friends how nice I was and invited them to stay with me and them.  Welcome new friends I call “inch here” and “inch there”. I just wish they would have told me that they were going to return and bring friends this way I would not have bought a certain new dress that was two sizes too small, but instead buy the dress that was four sizes larger and the right fit.

Years gone by more “friends” of fats were invited and I carried more weight. I stopped trying to have them move on. I lost all my motivation. They just would not leave. I have asked politely, starring in a mirror yelling at them telling them to go away! I have tried to cut them out, sweat them out, and starve them out, but no avail; nothing seemed to work.  Every time one “friend” leaves it comes back with three more. Well, at least I was popular. It is just that these were not the friends I intended to become popular with. The problem is while they are having a party inside of me, the outside of me is having a breakdown. My skin was stretching and said it couldn’t take the pressure, my feet were grounded due to the weight and my mind was wondering what had gone wrong.

 I am getting older, my fat wider, and my Prince Charming’s have all disappeared. I started to pretend that I was skinny, in perfect health but there is so much pretending you can do before the department store clerk comes over to explain that you will not fit into that pair of jeans nor that black jacket that you have been eyeing ever since you were nine years old. Then the clerk takes the Barbie clothes out of your hands and places them back on the shelf next to the Barbie twilight dolls.

            My fat and I started to find disagreements. Our bond started to break since I was fighting to be something I was not and they were fighting to be something they were. However, please don’t think that they were all rude. I mean they did like to share. They would share depression, low self-esteem, hunger and fatigue. These are not easy to share either. I tried but others would not participate with me. Oh and my fat friends were great supporters when it comes to the causes of being lazy, eating food, and the lack of motivation. My lack of motivation was supported by the hurt of my back in the past two years. My back hurt thanks to a reluctant Great Pyrenees dog and his kennel, but that is for another story. Still it does add to the loss of enjoyment of life, especially when you throw together low self-esteem, back ache, lack of motivation, and struggling to live all together, into a lifetime. By doing so you are on the highway to my life. 

“Motivation is the key.” I say to me but how can one motivate someone who wishes not to be…me? I look into the mirror and the only word that comes to my mind is why? Yet no answer comes to me so I go back to the gym.

The “friends” started talking mutiny inside of me; they are aiming at my heart. I tried to fight back. After the first few hits I realized I was bruised to a deep shade of blue from hitting myself where the fat was. The fat was still attached as if it was unaffected feeling numb.  Suddenly a cold chill runs over me as I am now soaking wet. Confused I hear people chant “Save the whale! Save the poor beached whale!” as they circle around me at the gym. They got the “poor” right since I am not rich but whale? I thought.  Splash! I am hit with more cold water. My fat soaks into my skin and swelling bloats me as I am thrown into the ocean, mistaken for a whale (darn blue bruises). I make friends with the fish and after a while I try to strike up a deal with a sucker fish to suck out the fat. He however charges a sand dollar which I don’t have. I feel like an inflatable pool toy as I bob up and down shaking to the rhythm of the water along with my fat. Suddenly I burst out into laughter remembering our dancing days. Now we are dancing on water rejected once again. My fat and I begin to bond again. I ask my fat “How about a chocolate donut?” As I make my way out of the waters. I stroll down the street thinking if you can’t beat them join them taking one step at a time. One step, and another, and another and…oh look a sand dollar!

Inside my head I hear crying, there is even talk about dying. Make it stop! Make it go away! Tick Tock, Tick Tock. Why the delay? ~Kristina Hollon~

Complaints: Milk

 By Kristina Hollon 

Copyrighted and Published in 2011

It was just another typical day. I grabbed my favorite box of lucky charms off the top shelf of the cupboard and poured the cereal into a bowl with a spoon. I went to the fridge to grab the milk, yet there was nothing to grab. The jug had only a drip it was just enough to tease your tongue of the taste. I moaned. I turned back to the bowl of cereal and poured it right back into the box. I closed it up placed it back on the top shelf grabbed my keys off the hook and out the door I went to the store.

Milk that was all I needed. I stood at the front entrance of the store ignoring all those staring at me do to being yellow duck pajamas and my fuzzy duck slippers. I stared down each of the aisles trying to find the fastest way to get to the milk without having to deal with the other customers hogging the aisles. “Why do they have to always put the milk in the back of the store?” I mumbled to myself. I found the aisle that took me straight back to the milk. I headed down it when two customers with their carts came down it. I tried to move quickly and not lose focus but both stopped to look at products. One stopped on the right, the other on the left, leaving their carts in the middle blocking my direct path. I sighed and walked up to where they were to see if I could squeeze by one of them. To no luck I was stuck. I looked behind me I really didn’t want to have to walk all the way back down the aisle to walk up through another one. So I figured they would see me and move. So I waited. Neither customer looked up or budged. “Ahem”. I said making a noise. Both ignored me. Neither one wanted to budge so back down the aisle I went and over to the next aisle. I went straight to the back and back to where the milk was. I turned to give those two customers a look to say “Ha, I made it back here even if you didn’t want to move.” But both of the customers were no longer in that aisle.  I frowned. I turned back to look at the milk that should have been there however, most of the milk was out of stock.

I looked for my kind but there was none there. “Just great” I muttered to myself. I stared for a long time until I saw a hand from the back put a gallon of milk down at the bottom of the milk shelf and then disappear. There was my milk. I waited for the hand to come back so I could ask him to push it forward for it was too far back for me to reach. The hand did not appear. I looked at the milk debating on if I really want to try and bend down with my back still aching from my attempt to exercise yesterday. I figured play it safe and find an employee, besides I had a brand new pajamas on and I really didn’t feel like getting them dirty. I looked down a few aisles close by, then a few a little further away. Finally I was looking down each aisle for help. Realizing this was taking up to much time I decided to just take my chances and went back over to the milk aisle. I have to admit I was glad the milk was still there even if it were straight to the back of the bottom shelf. I looked around one more time but no one was around. I slowly got down onto the floor and reached for the milk. It was further back than I expected. Darn my t-rex arms. I pushed myself further back into the shelf so I could reach for the milk better only to be hit by something. “Ouch!” I said yelled, moving to see what hit me. “Oh dear, I am so sorry. I didn’t notice you down there. There stood this lady with 6 inch high heels a mini skirt and tattoos all over her legs and arms grabbing her soy milk from the top shelf where her long blonde hair would fall forward into her face. Her milk was a lot closer than mine. I stood up and dusted off the dirt. I looked down at my pajamas that were now covered in cart wheel stains. “Oh, that is ok.” I said with clenched teeth that were hurting from me pressing down on them so hard. She didn’t seem to notice instead she smiled and went on about her shopping. “How could she not notice me, I am a human am I not? I am the same size as her. It would be pretty hard to miss me. Maybe she should get glasses” I muttered.

I turned back to the milk that was… I looked down… NOT in my hand. I looked back down at the shelf. Still it stood there mocking me. I looked around again to see if I could get assistance from someone, ANYONE, I didn’t care who at this moment. But it seemed as if this was the moment that everyone decided to play hide and seek. Well I didn’t feel like seeking so back down I went. This time success, I had the milk in my hand.  “Can I help you with anything today?” I heard a voice say. I looked up to stare into the employee’s eyes in shock. Where had he been a several minutes ago? I smiled and through clenched teeth I said “No, thanks I am good.” With that I turned and up to the counter I went.

I looked and saw only two checkers open and both seemed to have only one person in each lane, however, one was the fifteen items or less lane. I figured that would be the quicker and safer bet to go to. I placed my milk on the belt and I stood there while the cashier finished ringing the person in front of me, called over a manager and started to talk about money to them. I waited for what seems like ten minutes when the cashier finally looked up at me standing there she shut off her light and put up the lane closed sign and walked away with the manager. I froze. Was she serious? I sighed. Off to the other… lane.

Wouldn’t you know, the line of shoppers in that lane had gotten longer. Now, there were four carts in line instead of one. I grabbed my milk and went over to stand in line and wait. The cart in front of me was a mother and her three children that were running around bumping into racks, people, and of course me and my milk. The mother kept yelling at her kids to settle down. In front of her was a man with a crying infant. “Say you are sorry.” The mother said as the eldest of her three rammed right into me making me almost drop my milk. “Sorry” the child mumbled. I gave a weak smile. Forget exercise next time I will just come to the store I thought as my back was aching more so now than earlier. I sighed. I look down at my milk and waited… and waited… and waited… what was taking so long? I looked up to see a familiar person speaking to the cashier. It was the same blonde lady that hit me with her cart earlier. She was arguing with the cashier saying she had money on her card and for the cashier to run it through again. The cashier who was looking as frustrating as I was feeling ran the lady’s card through the machine about twenty more times. The cashier called for help to check out and then for the manager to come and help her. She ran the card through again.  This went on for several more minutes which seemed like hours as I stood waiting. Another cashier came up from out of nowhere and opened up another lane to check out people. I quickly moved to that lane. Finally we were getting somewhere. 

“Did you find everything ok?” asked the cashier. I looked at the cashier and gave a weak smile. “That is good.” He said taking my smile as a confirmation of me saying yes to him. “That will be $3.69. You know if you get two it is a better deal. It is two for five dollars. Want me to call and get someone to get you another gallon of milk?” I looked at the line behind me. “No, this was the only one of this kind on the shelf.” “We have more in the freezer. We probably haven’t stocked them but…. “His voice trailed off as he got on the phone and talked to someone working in the back. I stared at him thinking wow he is like a prince in shining armor. Are kids will ask us to tell the story of how we got together over milk. I looked at his name tag that read Skip. I smiled. Skip is going to get my milk… I spoke too soon. He hung up the phone and with a sympathetic look on his face he said. “Sorry we are all out of that kind.” I sighed there goes my prince charming of milk. I reached my hand into my front pocket. I reached my hand into my other front pocket. Then I reached my hands into my back picket. “Oh no.” I mumbled in my head. “Can you please hold this I will be RIGHT BACK. I forgot my money in the car.” I said starting to head off. “Sure” The cashier replied as he placed my milk to the side. I ran out the car and was just about to place my hands in my pocket when I realized something. I slowly peered into my car window. Sure enough there were the car keys dangling in the ignition.

…There was a long silent pause. At last it was broken “So, did you get the milk?” my therapist asked.